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Did you hear the one ?
Last Post 08-17-2010 10:16 PM by torino. 70 Replies. |
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Nofingers
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Posts:39
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| 04-21-2010 01:07 PM |
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An office manager, a construction worker , and a handyman member were setting at a bar and each ordered a mug of beer. Well each mug had a fly in it. The office manager told the bar tender he wanted a beer without the fly. The construction worker just flipped the fly out of his beer. Well the handyman member reached into his beer and grabbed the fly by the wing and started shaking it and shouting spit it out, spit it out.
If you're not careful this could be you. |
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| Look at my handle and if you're not careful it could happen to you. |
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EZgoing
Veteran Poster
Posts:1988
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| 04-21-2010 01:15 PM |
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Nofingers, you really should not talk about Craig like this... LMAO... Ez There isn't any handyman problem that a judicious amount of money can't fix... Bradford county Pa. |
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| Remember, there is no handyman problem that a judicious application of money can't fix. Bradford Co. Pa. 
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craig
Veteran Poster
Posts:4188
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| 04-21-2010 02:28 PM |
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Dang! I'm NEVER gonna be able to live that down!
My neighbors got an ordnance/resolution on last Novembers ballot about me drinking whiskey - they wanted me to stop.
I don't care what they say, those goats don't look anything like me.
Craig - 27 year Navy Veteran, Virginia Beach, VA |
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Craig
Navy veteran (July, 1980- August, 2007)
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hi ho sliver
Advanced Poster
Posts:691
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| 04-21-2010 03:40 PM |
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That should be a "politician" a "construction worker" and an "Irishman" lol
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| USS Bon Homme Richard (CVA-31) |
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craig
Veteran Poster
Posts:4188
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| 04-22-2010 07:28 AM |
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So does that mean I'm *hic* off the hook???
Craig - 27 year Navy Veteran, Virginia Beach, VA |
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Craig
Navy veteran (July, 1980- August, 2007)
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Dewey
Senior Poster
Posts:7315
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| 04-22-2010 12:49 PM |
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craig wrote: So does that mean I'm *hic* off the hook???
Craig - 27 year Navy Veteran, Virginia Beach, VA
You're kidding, right? LOL!
Anything worth dewing is worth dewing well!
Dewing my time in southwest IN. |
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Anything worth dewing, is worth dewing well!
I'm dewing my time in southwest Indiana.
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Dewey
Senior Poster
Posts:7315
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| 04-22-2010 12:50 PM |
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craig wrote: So does that mean I'm *hic* off the hook???
Craig - 27 year Navy Veteran, Virginia Beach, VA
You're kidding, right? LOL!
Anything worth dewing is worth dewing well!
Dewing my time in southwest IN. |
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Anything worth dewing, is worth dewing well!
I'm dewing my time in southwest Indiana.
Useful links below :
NEW MEMBERS; PLEASE READ FIRST
also;
For New Members....
Welcome to the forums!
MY BLOGSPOT...
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craig
Veteran Poster
Posts:4188
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| 04-23-2010 06:01 AM |
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Dewey - if it gets me off the hoook...YEAH!
Now in reply to NOFINGERS...
Yeah, I heard it that joke.
My imaginary friend told me that joke last month. The problem with my imaginary friend is that he doesn't speak English.
So, I had to go across the street to get a neighbor to translate for him.
Come to think of it, that explains why my imaginary friend is always at their house. Thought I said something to tick him off.
Craig - 27 year Navy Veteran, Virginia Beach, VA |
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Craig
Navy veteran (July, 1980- August, 2007)
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Gerry_D
Veteran Poster
Posts:4755
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| 04-23-2010 08:46 AM |
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Craig, are you sure that some of your medications are not interacting? Anyhow, here's one for you: The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U
(What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
(OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
This community is the sum of the knowledge of all.
Only we must communicate that knowledge to each other via this forum.
Participate, Teach and Learn.
Cordially,
Gerry |
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This community is the sum of the knowledge of all.
Only we must communicate that knowledge to each other via this forum.
Participate, Teach and Learn
Cordially,
 
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I'lltry
Veteran Poster
Posts:1357
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| 04-30-2010 09:58 PM |
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The Pope and Limo After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,
"They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed........
"All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked......
"Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
Chief:"Governor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"
Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
"I'll try almost anything at least once.
Mid-Hudson Valley Region, NY
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My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
"I'lltry almost anything at least once.
Mid-Hudson Valley Region, NY
PM Service for I'lltry |
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Dewey
Senior Poster
Posts:7315
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| 04-30-2010 11:45 PM |
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A frog walks into the local bank and asks for a loan of $10,000. The teller, Miss Patty Whack, informs the frog that in order to get a loan of an amount that large, he must have some collateral to back it up. The frog passes a small jade elephant to the teller and says "This is the only thing of value I have". Patty has no idea of the value of this item so she goes into the manager's office and says "There is a frog at my wicket that wants a loan of $10,000 but all he has is this little jade elephant, I don't know what to do". The manager takes one look at the item and say ......... "It's a nick nack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan"!  Yea, I know, it's a bit goofy, but one you can share with your grandkids,  Anything worth dewing is worth dewing well!
Dewing my time in southwest IN. |
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Anything worth dewing, is worth dewing well!
I'm dewing my time in southwest Indiana.
Useful links below :
NEW MEMBERS; PLEASE READ FIRST
also;
For New Members....
Welcome to the forums!
MY BLOGSPOT...
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Slug-Gunner
Veteran Poster
Posts:2210
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| 05-01-2010 01:12 AM |
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Dewey wrote:A frog walks into the local bank and asks for a loan of $10,000. The teller, Miss Patty Whack, informs the frog that in order to get a loan of an amount that large, he must have some collateral to back it up. The frog passes a small jade elephant to the teller and says "This is the only thing of value I have". Patty has no idea of the value of this item so she goes into the manager's office and says "There is a frog at my wicket that wants a loan of $10,000 but all he has is this little jade elephant, I don't know what to do". The manager takes one look at the item and say ......... "It's a nick nack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan"! Yea, I know, it's a bit goofy, but one you can share with your grandkids, Anything worth dewing is worth dewing well!
Dewing my time in southwest IN. Dewey, I do believe you've MISPLACED your ONE ACTIVE BRAIN-CELL!!!! LOL   Slug-Gunner - - - Augusta, GA - - - Keep an "Open Mind" = You'll NEVER STOP LEARNING! |
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| Slug-Gunner - - - Augusta, GA - - - Keep an "Open Mind" = You'll NEVER STOP LEARNING! |
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craig
Veteran Poster
Posts:4188
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| 05-01-2010 05:32 AM |
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I think it was that "brain cells are like buffalo" theory.
Craig - 27 year Navy Veteran, Virginia Beach, VA |
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Craig
Navy veteran (July, 1980- August, 2007)
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Dewey
Senior Poster
Posts:7315
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| 05-01-2010 09:26 PM |
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Slug-Gunner wrote: Dewey wrote: A frog walks into the local bank and asks for a loan of $10,000. The teller, Miss Patty Whack, informs the frog that in order to get a loan of an amount that large, he must have some collateral to back it up. The frog passes a small jade elephant to the teller and says "This is the only thing of value I have". Patty has no idea of the value of this item so she goes into the manager's office and says "There is a frog at my wicket that wants a loan of $10,000 but all he has is this little jade elephant, I don't know what to do". The manager takes one look at the item and say ......... "It's a nick nack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan"! Yea, I know, it's a bit goofy, but one you can share with your grandkids, Anything worth dewing is worth dewing well! Dewing my time in southwest IN. Dewey, I do believe you've MISPLACED your ONE ACTIVE BRAIN-CELL!!!! LOL Slug-Gunner - - - Augusta, GA - - - Keep an "Open Mind" = You'll NEVER STOP LEARNING!
I can't believe you said that Slug, I am totally in shock reading this! Thanks for doubling my work load tomorrow. Not only do I have to spend an hour looking for my pencil now, I also have to look for that dang blasted brain cell.
 craig, we have buffalo????  I want a wing! Anything worth dewing is worth dewing well! Dewing my time in southwest IN. |
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Anything worth dewing, is worth dewing well!
I'm dewing my time in southwest Indiana.
Useful links below :
NEW MEMBERS; PLEASE READ FIRST
also;
For New Members....
Welcome to the forums!
MY BLOGSPOT...
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craig
Veteran Poster
Posts:4188
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| 05-02-2010 07:10 AM |
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Guess ya'll forgot...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it’s the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
Craig - 27 year Navy Veteran, Virginia Beach, VA |
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Craig
Navy veteran (July, 1980- August, 2007)
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Landfillwizard
Advanced Poster
Posts:755
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| 05-02-2010 07:59 AM |
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Thanks mr. postman for the refresher. The brain cell I use for memory of the Cheers program must have gotten destroyed last night.
WNY has 2 seasons: Winter and construction. Mike H. |
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craig
Veteran Poster
Posts:4188
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| 05-02-2010 08:18 AM |
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Ahhhh.....Mike? Ya need to train yer brain like relay racers, then.
Before getting whacked, it hands off all knowledge and memories...this is why folks that're drunk stare a lot. The more they stare...well picture a line of dominoes falling over....too much for the brain to handle to it needs to shut down certain unnecessary operations...like speech volume control.
Craig - 27 year Navy Veteran, Virginia Beach, VA |
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Craig
Navy veteran (July, 1980- August, 2007)
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I'lltry
Veteran Poster
Posts:1357
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| 05-10-2010 08:15 PM |
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Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter.
Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man.
They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong.
As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"
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My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
"I'lltry almost anything at least once.
Mid-Hudson Valley Region, NY
PM Service for I'lltry |
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Slug-Gunner
Veteran Poster
Posts:2210
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| 05-13-2010 11:25 PM |
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And They Breed.....
In a Georgia University government class, they
were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.
It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of
at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the
requirement was, to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was
that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming
president.
The class was taking it all in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw
hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a
natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
born by C-section. ?!?
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| Slug-Gunner - - - Augusta, GA - - - Keep an "Open Mind" = You'll NEVER STOP LEARNING! |
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Dewey
Senior Poster
Posts:7315
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