Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

THE NEW POPE
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose
lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was
born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended
parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon
Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all
respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally
Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when
the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the New
Pope.
In time, the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the
Vatican Chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The whole world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn
that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with
all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall
that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with
them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and
rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the
thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope
Secola."
No groaning! You know you're going to pass it on to Catholic and
non-Catholic friends alike!

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the city - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?
"Yes", I was a salesman in the country", said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up".
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?".
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??.
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser"
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman. He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Sounds like the weekend's a loss, you may as well go fishing".

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we just swim
around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"

Quotes that you might of heard.

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a{1}*****."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned
his doctor, waking him up.

"I'm really sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife
has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed hs wife's
inflamed appendix a couple of years before.

"Whoever heard of a second appendix?" the doctor asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc," the man replied,
"but surely you've heard of a second wife!"

Happy Gardening:

This is too funny not to share!

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, I can display my hanging baskets.

Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

HAPPY GARDENING

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.

A True Story Out of San Francisco...
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and, using a deposit slip, wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other saying,
"Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed Slim's co-worker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants."

Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on Army rocket launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S.Army training notice

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground." - U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army preventive maintenance publication

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Corps memo.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David H. Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper - once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your buddies

"If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Army ordnance manual

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed" - U.S. Air Force flight training manual

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.

So off to the pet shop she went.

She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.

As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........

AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS?

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND!

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

I have a little problem, so I call Customer Service

I'm given numbered options - to punch them each by tone.

After hitting number 7, then 2, 8, 6 and pound

A short recording tells me that no operators can be found.

They're busy helping others and would I hold this once?

Because my call is SO important. What am I? A dunce?

My calls not so important that I'll spend an hour on hold, While my

shoulder aches, my patience bakes and my coffee grows green mold.

Nothing your recording says can cause me to believe

That my call will be taken in the order it was received.

So down I put the telephone and up I pick the modem

To find solutions on your site, and once found, download
'em.

I calmly wait while DNS looks up your URL

Until your server answers your home page front door bell.

I wait for frames to paint themselves, my solution to begin. And then I

wait for plug-ins so I can see your logo spin.

I wait to get an audio file - greetings from your CEO

He doesn't get the Internet, but he loves the radio.

I wait until a picture of your building is on my screen

And I realize there are things that should not be heard
nor seen.

Finally, there's a menu and I poise my mouse to click...

But first, a Java applet! "Starting Java." I know that
won't be quick.

The menu choices indicate you know yourselves full well. You know all

about your company and that's what you want to tell.

But where's the button I can push, that takes me to the page That solves

my problem? Feels my pain? And soothes my mounting rage?

There, in the lower corner, down by the copyright

There's a little tiny icon that looks as if it might

Be a link to customer service. My troubles soon will quit! I click upon

it and I get... a 404... Oh, sugar.

And when I finally reach that page that promises relief.

I'm staring at a document that's far beyond belief.

For where there should be answers to frequently asked

questions

And online help and knowledge-bases, is naught but

indigestion.

For there in type italics, underlined and bold

Is the number for your help desk phone.

I should have stayed on hold.

A nurse at the hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic, and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered,
"I'm a brunette."
-------
Q. Know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is?
A. Outlaws are wanted!
------
Two little girls are looking at a book of fairy tales. "Who's that on
the cover?" asks the younger of the two. "That's Cinderella," replied
her friend. "It's a nice story with a happy ending." "But why is she
crying?" Asked the first. "Because her wicked step-Mother won't let her
go to the mall."
----

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the
little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you
want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told
the girl. When they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her
daughter which amount she had given. "Well," said the little girl, "I
was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man in
the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I'd be a
lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."
+++++++++

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he's ever had.

The Perfect Story
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on Christmas Eve, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The Female Response (first, of course): The perfect woman was the survivor. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.
The Male Response: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
+++++++
Good Help Is Hard To Find
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."