Quick Groaners...

Is it really San Andreas' fault that California has so many
earthquakes?

If school kids hiding under their desks in 1950 were protected
from atomic bombs, is there any reason not to believe duct tape
and plastic sheeting will not protect against nuclear, chemical,
and biological terrorist attacks in 2011?

Feeling goofy, I attempted to fit into a suitcase, but I simply
couldn't contain myself.

If a man fails to act in a brave manner, you could say he leaves
macho to be desired.

I used to live the life of Riley until Riley discovered that all
his credit cards were missing.

A signature tells a lot about a man, sometimes even his name.

A thesaurus is a dinosaur named Roget with a big vocabulary.

A thing not worth doing is worth not doing well.

A very wise mute once said :


A voltage spike? OUCH! That hertz!

Is it by design or coincidence that both convenience stores and
ATM machines are open 24 hours?

While standing in line to buy apples and a young boy kept eating
one after another, the father whispered to him, "Stop that. Do you
think apples grow on trees?"

Martha Stewart Is Not Coming For Thanksgiving
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The little artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am very thankful.
+++++++++++++++++++

Posted By denagorg on 11-16-2011 09:19 AM
Martha Stewart Is Not Coming For Thanksgiving
....................
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am very thankful.
+++++++++++++++++++

That was EXCELLENT!

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher

Personal experiences? I've got a bunch....

I was on a walk with 3 of my friends. Another guy and two young women (around 20) and one of the lady's said, "My last boyfriend use to call me Hun" To which I promptly replied, "As in Atilla?"

I was a chaperone on a trip with a bunch of teens. Some of the girls were putting on make up. I inquired why she was doing it when there was still a couple more hours of driving. She began talking, and ended saying she was on another trip, that was 8 hours, and she was putting on make up the whole time. "Did you look like Bozo the clown when you got there?"

I realized this a couple years ago. It's been many years since I watched Sesame Street regularly, but was flipping channels a couple years ago, and there was cookie monster. And there I noticed it. He doesn't actually eat cookies, just makes lots and lots of crumbs. How's that for the people who made cookie monster like fruits and veggies?

Gave the ten to the teacher--- LMHO

THESE ARE INTENDED AS JOKES, SO DO NOT GET OFFENDED IF ANY FIT .



What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is! the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls

What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside

What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed class uses it

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe"

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where
I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel operator's sigh had a
tinge of exasperation in it.

"We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this "Gym'
have a last name?"

------------------

Looking for some peace and solitude from his busy film schedule, John
Travolta was on vacation in the backwoods of Maine. When he walked into
a local movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there
applauded.

He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the
way up here in this small town." He was about to get up & take a bow
when...... a man came over to him and says.....

"Thanks for coming, sir. They won't start the movie unless we have ten
paying people or more."

Edit: Text error message--repost with Arial text (Dave)

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country  Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.  She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."  ; She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - …and my personal favorite…
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports  on  arrival in France !" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

 

Unfortunately, i do remember this.



Oh well, beer makes memories go away

Yep, ya' gotta park them there hard drives.....

In case you haven't seen this.


AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness, there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. 

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left. 
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for
the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


(Don't make me come ‘splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

Laughs, aint they fun?

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they had
nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You
wanna try it?"
So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and
got
completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at
how good he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side
effects. Nothing at all.
Then the phone rings...its Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this
morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
Well, DON'T! 'cause I'm in PHOENIX

Attention: Do not try this , jet fuel is poisonous.

"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot."

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."

"I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them."

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."


"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.

Guide for Yankees Visiting or Moving to the Southern States
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South,
there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying, they can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol," as in "big 'ol truck" or "big 'ol boy". Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed
down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot.

Obviously a recent hit - no flies, no smell.

"What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.

"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag
and then I'll take the tissue."

She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper
to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and
cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their good
in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's
burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate,
Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over
to Luby's Cafeteria. After they cleared the serving line and sat down at
a window table, they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag
still on the trunk. But not for long.

As they ate, they noticed a black_haired woman in a red gingham shirt
stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the
Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their
line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of
amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how
to respond.

"Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!"

Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she
thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red gingham thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.

Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black- haired woman
with the Dillard's bag, The Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm,
brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register,
the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty
chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green
beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.

Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt
audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered
into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping
noise.

The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor,
wheezing and clutching her upper chest.

The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and
sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich
maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who
remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes the curly haired woman emerged
from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two
well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while
a third scooped up her belongings.

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind
the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.

SOUTHERN ACCENT REQUIRED

An Outsider in a small Alabama town around Christmas time, saw a
"Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into
creating it.

But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or
explanation, he left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your
Bibles!"

The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall
anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and rifled through some
pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The
three wise men came from afar.'"