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Read a Joke, Tell a Joke Volume 9
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 2209
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Delete as font is too large.
ZIP San Antonio, Texas...[78212 for Map Users]... Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
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Joined: 6/15/2007
Posts: 1027
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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.' 'How much?' asked Grandpa. '$10.00 a pill.' answered the son. 'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.' Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. 'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'
Harold/jbily/(Oscoda,Mi.48750) Remember: Where ever you go in life, There you are...
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 2209
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called ........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
Were inevitable Now, of course, there's
Shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking
The trash out, gives the impression that
He just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found
Him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and
He didn't have to worry about a Will. He
Said, 'Will? What Will? I'm making a list
Of the people I want to bite.'
ZIP San Antonio, Texas...[78212 for Map Users]... Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 2209
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A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more….
ZIP San Antonio, Texas...[78212 for Map Users]... Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 152
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Putting out the cat
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one.
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New
Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the
answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the
backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to
leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back
into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird.
I go out to the taxi, while my husband went inside
to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with my husband in
hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I don't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, I explain to the taxi driver that
he will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my
mother.'
A few minutes later, he gets into the cab. 'Sorry I
took so long,' he said, as we drove away. 'That stupid
bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to
get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out
into the backyard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car. Just A copy
Ron aka The torch
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Joined: 7/5/2007
Posts: 210
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THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT? it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I wan t to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty fare well and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with& nbsp; waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.'
Formerly jimmy1 Vandergrift, PA
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 2209
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Irish smiles.... Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. --------------------------------------------------------------------- An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them. --------------------------------------------------------------- ------ Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home . --------------------------------------------------------------------- Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'." --------------------------------------------------------------------- "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? --------------------------------------------------------------------- My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
ZIP San Antonio, Texas...[78212 for Map Users]... RODEO NAKED, YOUR CHEEKS NEED SOME COLOR.
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 209
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This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After Mr. & Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in & get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9 . October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least:
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper! in here!"
Regards, Wal-Mart
Dusch dich warm und kalt taglich so wirst du hundert Jahre alt.
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 2209
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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR..... 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 6. I WENT TO A BOOK STORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 15 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?>
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? & gt; 26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE AN "S" IN IT? 29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? 30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
ZIP San Antonio, Texas...[78212 for Map Users]... IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE ON THE CHEAP, DO IT YOURSELF.
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Joined: 8/20/2007
Posts: 15
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  Quote
ITALIAN ARITHMETIC?
Italian Arithmetic
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base
of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says,
"A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd,
dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 10
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Subject: Outsourcing I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 10
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The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at >>> Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of >>> a contemporary term. >>>>>> This year's term was Political Correctness. >>>>>> >>>>>> The winner wrote: >>>>>> >>>>>> >>>>>> 'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, >>>>>> illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous >>>>>> mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is >>>>>> entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.' >>
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 10
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How Old?
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $ 15,000 . and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how
old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply."
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Mc Donald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.
The cler k responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she a sks an old man waiting
next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she say s, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell? "
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.
"I was behind you at Mc Donald's."
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 10
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**In pharmacology, all drugs have two names.... A trade name and a > > > generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is > > > acetaminophen. Aleve is know as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, > > >and Advil is ibuprofen.** > > > > > > > > > > > > **The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After > > > consideration by a team of govt. experts, it recently announced it > > > has settled on the generic name of Mycoxaflopin. Also considered > > > were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course > > > ibepokin.** > > > > > > > > > > > > **Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon > > > be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a > > > power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad > > > campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour > > > himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft > > > drink. This additive give new meaning to the names of cocktails, > > >highballs, and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will > > > market the new concoction by the name Mount & Do.** > > > > > > > > > > > > **The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be > > > fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been > > > spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's > > > research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a > > > large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and > > > errections who can't remember what to do with them.**
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 2209
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The North has Bloomingdale's, The South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH...In the South, if you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive
Get used t o hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
ZIP San Antonio, Texas...[78212 for Map Users]... IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE ON THE CHEAP, DO IT YOURSELF.
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 10
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Subject: Cursing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
Throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
Offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases has
Been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING G: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 68
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Subject: Mexican Eggs Two Mexicans are riding along the Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They experience a break down and start to hitch a ride. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can be of some help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 10,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will he take them to the next town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and themselves into the back of the trailer so the driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the California Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly-- 'Mexican eggs'. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door of the trailer and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it - Only 2 have hatched so far but they've already managed to steal a motorcycle."
RELAX!! Life's a Wife! Such is Life in Newark, Ohio {43055}!
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 10
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NUDITY > I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening > when a > Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark > naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout > from the > back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! > > > HONESTY > My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd > dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it > in the > garbage.. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my > bathroom > and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming > little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell > in the > toilet a few days ago. > > > OPINIONS > On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note > from > his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are > not > necessarily those of his parents." > > > KETCHUP > A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. > During > her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to > answer > the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. > Then > she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. > She's > hitting the bottle." > > > MORE NUDITY > A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's > locker > room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies > grabbing > towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and > then > asked, ! ! ! "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy > before?" > > > ELDERLY > While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly > shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon > rounds. The > various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and > wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at > a > pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the > inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The > tooth > fairy will never believe this!" > > > DRESS-UP > A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw > her > dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that > suit." > "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache > the > next morning." > > > SCHOOL > A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just > wasting > my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they > won't let me talk!"
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 10
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IRISH GAS STATION
Taking a wee break from the golf course,
Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into
An Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish
Manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
"Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees
Fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?"
Asks the attendant.
They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?"
Inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when
I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims
The Irish attendant. "Those fellas at
Mercedes think of everything."
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 10
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Photo on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.
'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery!'
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 2209
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Gifts For Men Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks." Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
ZIP San Antonio, Texas...[78212 for Map Users]... OPPS, MY BAD...YOUR FAULT.
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Joined: 7/5/2007
Posts: 210
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Mad Wife Disease...... A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied......."Your horse called."
Formerly jimmy1 Vandergrift, PA
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Joined: 7/5/2007
Posts: 210
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THEY WALK AMONG US ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."&nsp; She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency
Formerly jimmy1 Vandergrift, PA
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 68
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The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes--------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------- U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -------------------------------- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------ A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ----------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ----------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ---------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ------------------------------------ Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ---------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------ Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ------------------------------ Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV -------- Winnie Bay Gogh
Are you smiling - there ya Gogh!
RELAX!! Life's a Wife! Such is Life in Newark, Ohio {43055}!
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Joined: 7/5/2007
Posts: 210
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The love story of Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital's swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with His bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Formerly jimmy1 Vandergrift, PA
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 2209
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Two vampires wanted to go out to eat but were having a little trouble
deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in
Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some
discussion, they decided to go to Italy, because they had heard that
Italian food was really good.
So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of
the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes
later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the
vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry,
and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have
seconds. Another young couple approached, were sucked dry and tossed into the canal
below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short
while a third young couple were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the
canal.
The vampires decided that they had a marvelous dinner. Now it was time
to head back home to be sure to beat the sunrise. As they started to walk
away, they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else
was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from
the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water
under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator
sang:
You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?
. . . . . Drained wops keep falling on my head..." .
ZIP San Antonio, Texas...[78212 for Map Users]... OPPS, MY BAD...YOUR FAULT.
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Joined: 6/14/2007
Posts: 68
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I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to poop yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to
the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall
off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No
"Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanero peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come,
yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local
Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what
I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that
always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging
a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood,
alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious
cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to
move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so
slowly, the pressure seemed to
leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.
I simplywatched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible,
wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses
and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but
then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an
explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other
aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things
were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store
towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd
make it before the grand mal explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in
the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my Lord",
floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the
true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left. Once
finished I left the restroom,
reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my
shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want
to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb
in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off
again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff,
jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing
at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning
moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the
premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped,
Irealized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed
two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at HEB. I can't say anymore about that because
we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to
repaint the store.
RELAX!! Life's a Wife! Such is Life in Newark, Ohio {43055}!
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Joined: 7/5/2007
Posts: 210
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A man on the beach
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
Formerly jimmy1 Vandergrift, PA
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Joined: 6/13/2007
Posts: 2209
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SNOW WHITE GOES DIGITAL
Snow White received a digital camera as a gift. She took pictures of the dwarves and the forest creatures. So she quickly filled her memory card. She didn't have a printer, so she took the card to a store to have the photos printed. Snow White returned a few days later. She was told there had been a malfunction and her prints would be late. Snow White was so disappointed that she wept. The store clerk tried to console her, saying, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."
ZIP San Antonio, Texas...[78212 for Map Users]... OPPS, MY BAD...YOUR FAULT.
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Joined: 7/9/2008
Posts: 2
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On a Southern Gentleman moving to Northern Minnesota, 1. You have to go to a tanning salon to maintain a Red-neck. 2. More people here listen to country music than in Nashville. 3. There ARE more tractor dealerships than car dealerships 4. Dinner is lunch, and supper is what you eat when you leave the bar. 5. There are only two seasons- Snow and 'Skeeto. 6. Fishin' is sitting on a bucket over a hole in the ice and offering the only thingto eat in the whole lake (Kinda like shooting fish in a barrel) but they DO drink beer, so I guess it's alright. 7. 4000 pounds of dirt makes your driveway driveable. 8. More people find mates at family gatherings because you don't have to change your licence, registration or social security card (The only person good enough for and Olsen is another Olson) 9. Ole and Lena are the equivlent of Joe-bob and Lou-Anne. 10. Soul food is asparagus picked from a road ditch, wild rice imported from Texas, and lutefisk (Which is SO disgusting as to defy description)
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Joined: 6/15/2007
Posts: 191
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-There were these newly wed couple getting ready to go on their honeymoon when the mother of the bride stopped them to give her a few advice. She started by saying be a good and honest wife. Then she said, let me know what happen on your honeymoon. So out the door they go. When they arrived at the hotel, the guy took a shower and the bride was stuuned for what she saw. He only have one leg. She immediately called her mom to report what she saw. The mother asked her what happened and crying she replied, mom, he only have ONE FOOT. The mother replied, you are lucky, honey, your dad only have SIX INCHES.
big T
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